Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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