You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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