i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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