I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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