I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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