when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
