did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
