I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
