I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
