im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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