Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
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We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
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I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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