I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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