I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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