i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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