i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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