I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
