last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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