I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Well I just put wine in my tea
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
