Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
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She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
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Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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