Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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