He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
