I showed him my bush... on skype.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
