we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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