I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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