He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
