I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
