she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
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