if i can run in heels then i can drive
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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