then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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