every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
