Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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