Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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