its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
