i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
