Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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