If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
