After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
