My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
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