just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
