Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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