You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
