Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Come share oat with me in your robe
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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