Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
