Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
