I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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