I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
