Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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