life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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