i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
