i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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