I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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