There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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