You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
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there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
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Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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