allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Randomize
