dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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