Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
