respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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