You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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