yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
