when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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