the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight