I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.