I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Dating After Heartbreak
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
That's how pantless uber rides happen
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.